“Is it too late to change the name?” asks Scott Lang aka Ant-Man aka Paul Rudd. Marvel, as always, gets it. They get that Ant-Man is not historically beloved or even widely recognized by general audiences, but as with Guardians of the Galaxy before it, the Everest-sized movie studio seems poised to charm us into welcoming yet another hero into our homes and hearts. At first glance, even Mighty Mouse could trample all over the diminutive Ant-Man, but through the power of the super suit, its insect-sized wearer can shrink down to impossible dimensions while maintaining man-size strength. The tiny Ant-Man shoes have been filled by several characters over the years, but we are entering the mythology with Scott Lang (Rudd), a con man who must help his mentor, Dr. Hank Pym (Michael Douglas)—the original inventor/wearer of the Ant suit—protect the secrets of his technology from a requisite new threat. Additional cast includes Evangeline Lilly as Hope Van Dyne and Corey Stoll as Darren Cross (aka Yellowjacket). Bobby Cannavale, Michael Peña, and Judy Greer show up as well. You had us pretty worried when Edgar Wright bailed on the project, Marvel, but we’re willing to ramp up our optimism again.
Pause at: 0:26. We hereby nominate San Francisco as Best Supporting Location for the 2015 Oscars. Now stop at 1:00. Remember when Evangeline Lilly was denying being in a Marvel movie? Nice one, Evangeline. Behold the suit at 1:11. Ant-copter at 1:36.
Essential Quote: “Second chances don’t come around all that often. I suggest you take a really close look at it.”—Dr. Hank Pym
The Sci-Fi One: Chappie
Oh, my! What a difference a trailer edit makes. The first spot for Neill Blomkamp’s upcoming Chappie made it look like a heartfelt journey through the ever-more complex conversation of what defines humanity as an age of technological sentience sits on the horizon. Apparently that was so 2014, because the new Chappie trailer looks like RoboCop meets Short Circuit. We get it. This movie looks expensive and there are a lot of different audience sensibilities that need appealing to, but it does make us wonder which movie we’ll get when we show up at the theater. Honestly, either one is exciting, and having an heir to Johnny 5 feels long overdue. We need a robo-hero!
Pause at: 0:35. Whoa! RoboCop much? The queen has arrived at 0:40. Ninja goes on the defensive at 2:00.
Essential Quote: “I think I’ve cracked it. This is a new kind of life form. A new step in evolution.”—Deon (Dev Patel)
The WTF? One: The Voices
Hi there Anna Kendrick! We hadn’t seen you in about 15 minutes and we were starting to miss you terribly! And Ryan Reynolds, well, we can just never get enough of you either. So The Voices looks pretty weird, right? Reynolds plays Jerry, an affable, very handsome, otherwise average Joe. Work is going well, and he’s even met a nice girl at the office (enter Kendrick). The thing is, Jerry is also straight crazy and apparently off his meds, because his cat and dog are telling him to kill women to make him feel alive. (Well, it’s mostly the cat telling him, and we are not surprised.) We got pretty worried when it looked like we’d lose Gemma Arterton as quickly as we found her here, but fortunately, she comes back as a severed head. Natch.
Pause at: 0:42 for the terrible trio. This fits at 1:05. Fiona (Arterton) joins Jerry at breakfast at 1:44.
Essential Quote: “In her eyes, you are a ridiculous peasant. Kill her and you will discover what it feels like to be truly alive.”—Jerry’s Cat, Mr. Whiskers (voiced by Ryan Reynolds)
The Funny One: Hits
Matt Walsh, Michael Cera, Wyatt Cenac, and Amy Sedaris in the directorial debut from David Cross? We say “Yes, please!” Hits is a satire of fame-whoring “21st century YouTube America” that takes place in the small town of Liberty, New York. Young Katelyn (Meredith Hagner) wants to be famous for any reason whatsoever, but her dad, Dave (Matt Walsh), is the one who ends up going viral after getting kicked out of a town hall meeting for being too passionate about the responsibilities of local legislatures. His voice will be heard! If this movie is just Cross and his hilarious friends making us laugh for 90 minutes, we’re ready to call it a success. If he nails the biting social messaging on top of it, all the better.
Pause at: 0:56 for the champions of free speech and liberty. What’s the point of civil disobedience if Maria Menounos and Mario Lopez aren’t talking about it on Extra at 1:45? Katelyn isn’t kidding around anymore at 1:49.
Song: Blues Saraceno, “Save My Soul”
Essential Quote: “The town of Liberty, New York has become Berlin. Under Hitler. What do we do?”—Hipster peacenik Donovan (James Adomian)
The Forgotten One: Accidental Love
Oh, man. First it was called Nailed. Then it became Politics in Love. Now it’s Accidental Love. This is the health care satire that David O. Russell left behind, like, forever ago (as in 2008!) and it’s sadly easy to see why. It’s a shame when bad movies happen to good people, and if we see Jake Gyllenhaal or Jessica Biel around the neighborhood—as you do—we’ll make sure to just let this one go. The script is by Kristen Gore, who’s probably known better as Al Gore’s daughter than as a screenwriter, and it’s about a small town waitress who gets a nail embedded in her head during a marriage proposal, but who can’t have it removed because she lacks health insurance. It’s all just too much, but closing your eyes doesn’t make something go away, so here it is.
Pause at: 0:30 for a masked Bill Hader. Welcome Beverly D’Angelo to the fold at 1:00. Then there’s Kirstie Alley at 1:28. Who was the casting agent here?!
Essential Quote: “Did you just exchange her engagement ring for a chicken foot?”—Dr. Bill Hader
The Samuel L. Jackson One: Big Game
The great thing about the heading “The Samuel L. Jackson One” is that it could mean anything, and this time, it means he’s the President. Air Force One has been downed by terrorists, and now it’s up to a 13-year-old woodsman in the Finnish countryside to save him. Carry on.
Pause at: 0:35 – Felicity Huffman?! The budget apparently necessitated cup phones at 0:43. Jim Broadbent at 1:07??
Essential Quote: “Find him. Kill the sons of bitches that are after him. Bring him home.”—Jim Broadbent, explaining the strategy to save The President (Jackson)
The Scary One: The Lazarus Effect
Mark Duplass is doing everything else, so why not throw a horror movie into the conversation? And this one has a pretty zany pedigree. It’s a Jason Blum/Blumhouse production, and it stars Duplass, Olivia Wilde, Evan Peters and, wait for it … Donald Glover. The Childish Gambino business must be in a momentary lull? It’s also directed by David Gelb, who’s taking his first crack at narrative features with this one, after gaining from documentaries like Jiro Dreams of Sushi. This is the weird funhouse stuff that should be happening in horror! Get weird and pull out all the stops! Duplass and Wilde are Frank and Zoe, a romantically involved duo in a group of med students working on a serum to revive the dead. When an experiment goes awry and Zoe dies, Frank uses the very FDA unapproved Lazarus solution to bring her back. This, as we will see, turns out to be a very, very bad idea.
Pause at: 1:25, 1:45, and 1:55 for proof that Olivia Wilde is still beautiful even as a vessel for demons.
Essential Quote: “You have no idea what you’ve done.”—Zoe (They never do, Zoe.)
The Animated One: Peanuts
It’s just … Hmmm. Can it be Peanuts without the adorably crude line drawings? At least Snoopy and Woodstock aren’t talking or anything crazy like that. But speaking of America’s favorite Beagle, the Flying Ace is setting out to take on his long-time nemesis the Red Baron in World War I era Paris, as his best pal Charlie Brown embarks on his own parallel adventure. Will the persistent light bullying and putting down of Charlie by his friends hold up for kids in 2014? Will this be a strange perversion of an American institution? Will Charlie kick the football? We’re about to find out!
Pause at: 1:01. Oh, Snoopy. Same old Charlie at 1:27.
Song: Vince Guaraldi Trio, “Linus and Lucy” and Flo Rida feat. Fitz, “What I Like About You”
Essential Quote: “Charlie Brown! You blockhead!”—Lucy, obviously
The Small Screen Standout: Cyberbully
We love a good Game of Thrones star side project here at the round up, and this time around we have Maisie Williams following in the footsteps of her on-screen sister, Sophie Turner, by wading into the thriller genre. But instead of her ghostly replicant harassing her a la Another Me, Williams’ character is a teen with a much scarier monkey on her back: an anonymous cyber stalker. We recommend a feel-bad weekend marathon of this, the ABC Family movie of the same name, Jason Reitman’s recent Men, Women and Children, and then all of Black Mirror on Netflix. Then throw your phone in the garbage and move deep into the Appalachian Mountains, because we’re all screwed.
Pause at: 0:20. Seeing Williams in modern clothes is weird.
Essential Quote: “I help victims of cyber bullying.”—said the cyber bully
The Liam Neeson One: Run All Night
If you’re sad that the Taken franchise is coming to a close, dry your eyes, because Liam Neeson isn’t done killing people in the name of his family just yet! Except this time, it’s his son that’s in hot water. Neeson is Jimmy Conlon, an aging hitman—in the movie, not real life—whose son, Mike (Joel Kinnaman), has run afoul of some bad, bad men lead by Shawn Maguire (Ed Harris). See, Shawn’s son, Boyd, was going to kill Mike, so Jimmy killed Boyd first. That means Shawn has to kill Mike (and most likely, everyone related to him) in order to even the score. This is the third partnership between Neeson and director Jaume Collet-Serra, who previously worked together on Unknown and Non-Stop. Hopefully, their fourth collaboration will be called Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop, and since Liam Neeson can do no wrong, we’ll be there with bells on. Ready. Set. FIGHT.
Pause at: 1:13 for the Neeson glare. Stop at 2:08 to see men, on fire, swinging flaming boards at each other. 2:20 tells the whole story.
Essential Quote: “I’m coming after your boy with everything I got.”—Shawn Maguire to Jimmy Conlon (Sadly, Shawn, we don’t think it will be enough.)
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