Tonight Comedy Central airs the Roast of Justin Bieber, and we’re just going to say it: this is the worst television decision since The Swan got greenlit. Look, we get why Comedy Central did it. Bieber’s a big star in “key demo” metrics like Twitter followers, Lamborghinis, and having absolutely zero ability to cope with having fame or money. Getting him to agree to be roasted is a huge coup for the network—or would be, if that’s what actually happened. Instead, Bieber’s management realized that being rightfully despised for one’s actions isn’t the best PR strategy, and trotted him out on a bullshit goodwill tour to make him seem like a human being.
So don’t watch this travesty. Don’t give CC the ratings. Don’t talk about it online while it’s airing. Do watch the videos after the fact, though, because it’s a stellar lineup of comics—especially Hannibal Buress, who cemented his status as Realest Motherfucker Alive when he incinerated Bieber thusly:
“They say that you roast the ones you love, but I don’t like you at all, man. I’m just here because it’s a real good opportunity for me. Actually, you should thank me for participating in this extremely transparent attempt to be more likable in the public eye. And I hope it doesn’t work.”
Boom. Roasted.
Don’t worry, though. Just because you’re boycotting this abomination of a comedy special doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the many high points of the modern roast era (which began in 1998, when Comedy Central began airing Friars Club roasts—later moving into producing its own affairs). To that end, we thought we’d pull together the best of the best. And if you need something to watch tonight, may we suggest Man of La Mancha on TCM.
Sarah Silverman Roasts Pamela Anderson (2005)
Remember those bygone days when Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel were dating? Take a time machine back to those salad (tossing) days with this Silverman roast of Pam Anderson, who really is only the butt of about one-third of Silverman’s jokes. The rest are about Kimmel’s balls and Courtney Love, who was in attendance and desperately trying to steal the show at every turn. (Side note: We love Love as Elle Dallas on Empire, but some days we still long for Love as “wrecking-est train” on literally anything. Talk about the bygone days.)
Bea Arthur Roasts Pamela Anderson (2005)
This one you just kind of have to watch. It’s Bea Arthur reading from Pamela Anderson’s book. It’s basically like your grandmother narrating Fifty Shades of Grey, but less traumatic.
George Takei Roasts William Shatner (2006)
There’s never really been any love lost between Bill Shatner and George Takei, so when good ol’ Sulu ends his monologue here with a “fuck you and the horse you rode in on” to his Captain Kirk it doesn’t really feel like a roast. It just feels like, well, the truth maybe? Shatner, to his credit, just takes it all. But then again, he also just looks so genuinely befuddled by the whole thing you half expect him to ask how they got “fuck” into a Priceline commercial scriptBeyond roasting his old Star Trek non-crony, Takei also gets in some great zingers, and considering how often roasts slide by on gay jokes, it’s nice to see a few of them delivered by an actual living, breathing homosexual.
Greg Girardo Roasts Flavor Flav (2007)
The late Girardo never won any points for his sensitivity, but he was in rare form on this particular night. After four minutes of taking out Katt Williams (“You’re like Afro Sheen—some white people have heard of you, but no one knows know what you do. What a teeny little pimp!”), Ice-T (“You’re so old, on your first album the N-word was ‘Negro'”), and everyone else on the stage, he turned to poor Flav. What followed was the best round of the dozens a white dude has ever pulled off: “I’ve never roasted an oily cadaver before. You’re like a skeleton wrapped in electrical tape. You look like Idi Amin after a three-year crack binge on the sun.” We’re still recovering from it.
Norm MacDonald Roasts Bob Saget (2008)
If you love Norm (hell, even if you hate him, though if that’s the case you shouldn’t be reading about comedy) you know that he’s a master of the deadpan troll. On this night, that meant six minutes of reading groaners that his father had written. Seriously. It’s anti-comedy at its finest. Bravo, Norm. Bravo.
Amy Schumer Roasts Charlie Sheen (2011)
This is classic Schumer: Acting nice and then hitting with a joke so virulent you immediately feel bad for laughing at it. Like many of these segments, the best jokes aren’t really directed at the roastee, so Charlie Sheen actually gets off pretty easy (don’t even say it…). Mike Tyson, however, gets the one line that to this day most people still can’t believe Schumer said with him in the room: “Hey Mike, here’s something you’ll never hear: Great tattoo! You have a slutty lower back tattoo on your face. Men don’t know whether to be scared of it, or finish on it.”
Andy Samberg Roasts…No One (2013)
In the world of improv and sketch comics, true meanness is in short supply, and Samberg played up the divide by going full reverse roast. No need to explain any more, just enjoy the display.
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