Sex in movies is nothing new—and most of the time, it’s at least somewhat pleasant to watch. Imagining the future in movies is also nothing new, and most of the time it too is at least somewhat pleasant to watch. When the two intersect, though, the results aren’t quite so pleasant. Look, we get it; dystopian predictions feel most dire when they prey on our primal impulses, which are sex and…well, sex. But while it’s obvious why sci-fi delights in giving us creepy looks at our carnal future, what’s slightly less clear is why the execution are always so terrible. Don’t believe us? Take a stroll down cinematic memory lane. From VR shenanigans to Shag Roulette to orgies that feel more like crackhouses than saturnalia, filmmakers have made sex terrifying—but not for the reasons they wanted to.
Barbarella (1968)
In Roger Vadim’s distant future, pictured above, sex has been reduced to popping a molly and playing London Bridge. (And not that kind of London Bridge, either.) It doesn’t stop here, either; things get even campier toward the end of the movie, when Jane Fonda meets (and overpowers) the “Excessive Machine,” which is a) a player piano mixed with a jacuzzi mixed with a Hitachi Magic Wand and b) probably sitting in someone’s garage right now waiting to be funded by Ickstarter.
Logan’s Run (1976)
Careening toward state-mandated death? Relaxing in your sunken living room and looking for company? Just hit The Circuit and dial up a little love! Don’t worry: having too many teeth is a plus, and horrible attire is absolutely mandatory.
Lawnmower Man (1992)
Yes, we realize that things go horribly awry about two minutes into this. But until things get nightmarish and nonconsensual and brain-scrambling, just concentrate on how gloriously ovewrought everything is. Whether it’s the Tron-style haptic-feedback bodysuits, the full-body gyroscopes, or just the fact Jeff Fahey’s secret freakytime pro move is turning into a sexy dragonfly, it’s a perfect Horrible Sex Scene. 10/10, would cringe at again.
Demolition Man (1993)
What happens when you’re a ’90s cop who finds himself in a future when “fluid transfers” have been outlawed but you still need to communicate your yo-Adrian earthiness? You reach for the greatest collection of sexual euphemisms ever devised, that’s what. Sure, you’ve heard “boning,” but what about “the wild mambo”? What about—wait for it—“the hunka chunka”? WHAT ABOUT THE HUNKA CHUNKA?
Wild Palms (1993)
Okay, yes, this was an ABC miniseries and not a feature film. But we’re willing to overlook that for a few reasons. First, because its pharmaceutically induced erotica essentially rips off the central concept of Digital Underground’s debut album, Sex Packets . Second, because Jim Belushi’s raw magnetism is far too outsized for anything on the small screen. And third, because Jim’s buddy Charles Hallahan hams it up so hard that we have a feeling he chewed the color right off the scenery.
Surrogates (2009)
INT. DAY — SURROGATES SCRIPT MEETING
SCRIPT DOCTOR 1: We’re almost done, but this scene where we’re trying to make sexual pleasure seem illusory and outmoded still isn’t hamfisted enough.
SCRIPT DOCTOR 2: I know! We should make sex seem like a drug.
SCRIPT DOCTOR 1: Dunno, hasn’t that been done before?
SCRIPT DOCTOR 2: Sure, but not this badly!
SCRIPT DOCTOR 1: YOU’RE ON!
Her (2013)
Props to Spike Jonze for creating a world in which a human-OS relationship is not only plausible, but something you root for. And double props for coming up with a plot device that turns the very idea of cybersex inside out: having AI enlist a human to be the corporeal avatar of non-corporeal desire. But doesn’t stop it from being so awkward that you can’t look directly at it.
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